Im hoping there is a reason for all the madness that I just can;t see yet. PostedNovember 13, 2011 I feel scarred. And the butt dial? This is their problem, not ours. Weve had our life and we do not wish to be disturbed by inconvenient truths let alone emotions associated with accountability for what we brought into the world in GoldenCHild and the faulty programming we installed in him due to our psuedo mutuality and covert narcissism. A couple of days later MIL asked my H apparently (unbeknownst to me) if he was having an A. Hes going to say hes confused and he is. These types of things can destroy a business and families along with it. He even admitted that had I even had his friends or family talk to him it would not have changed anything. What a coward!! Just noticing thats all!! It was discouraging. She was the Queen of Cordiality kind to everyone and her rule was that if she did not have something nice to say directly to someone, then she wouldnt anything. We dont compartmentalise and we are more likely to want to be with one person rather than split ourselves between two people. The last time I truly experienced that kind of all encompassing grief took a conscious effort to let it go having grieved for around six straight years. My brother said it is an attention getting stunt to deflect from the damage he has done. Just sayin. And, Satori, theyll drag up crap that was insignificant from years ago and try to use it as another rationalization that they arent happy or you did something to hurt them. that the proof of the listening is in the correcting. And yes they make it all about them. Dont think its only husbands who throw out the crazy rationalizations. Eye opening! Whether you reconcile or not.the grief can last a long time. Just wish some kind of rare form of cancer on her. You are the reason for his unhappiness. And that is a very toxic environment. Yep sorry youre going to have to make the effort because well hes a frightened little forest creature now. My son and I will become stronger from this. To answer your questions we have been married for 15 years. So, I might not respond to the message. Who is anyone to dare to put a timetable on your grief?? Grief over the loss of a marriage or relationship I believe is more intense. Often once they have made up their mind and decide to go there is little to work with. I feel that by cutting the idea off that I want R, in fact that Im moving towards D, will allow him to come back with the radical idea we should try to R. Then he would be driving it all and feeling in control. And for most of us, this wasnt a single one time screw up. Im not one to use a lot of foul language in my life but we need a safe place to vent and sometimes that includes language. I might do it with that and some repayments as TFW suggested. Anyone who had an impact during his/her formative years. I didnt get much sleep again, I cant get that feeling anywhere else.. I will be just fine should we decide to divorce. Fear not. I cannot imagine a M in recovery with newly developed in-law issues (created by the CH). Id actually be sweating too. But Im gathering thats the typical CS blame game. Until I found my anger. Excitement? So yeah, no. The enabling PILs are doing everything for my H. Its like he has become a teenager again and they are going into full clean up and impression management mode. Heres the thing I have learned, FWIW. Serial cheater was one, alcoholic (at 18) was another. He stopped being a goofy, fun, talkative, physically affectionate and loving man into a monster. And the answer is b/c you werent unhappy with me for years you were unhappy with yourself and you think the OW is going to solve your problems. I guess b/c they just dont want to. I hope he will get so afraid of going forward for the legal scenario. It all started a long time agoprobably as long ago as marriage existedbut most recently this phenomenon was brought into focus by Vikki Stark in her book Runaway Husbands. And then the runaway bride syndrome is triggered, when such a woman who has taken off before the wedding suddenly runs headlong headlong from her "evil" lot. I was eerily calm and asked 3 questions. And, Ive spent the last year and a half crying?????? I know Im still working on accepting all that has transpired and realize that I may never fully understand why my ex did what she did. That is a very insightful article on grief..Thank you!!!! Your children need to know what is happening. It was a sad dynamic to my marriage for a long time. Ive told him we need to meet today and do this (financial release) together. I think it served a lot of purposes. Just like the name sounds, this is an undercover narcissist. Then hed ask a very personal legal question and I would respond oh my darling my lawyer has prohibited me talking about this with you. Meanwhile, her fianc thought she was just getting cold feet and would come round soon. Trust your gut here. As I said before, I know you got this. Plus.gotta love that sense of humor that you have. It could have helped me cope. Sometimes people just stink ya know what I mean? I have yet to find a resource that can wholly explain this phenomenon from the betrayers point of view and really explain what they did and why they did it in that way. Waiting around only gives them more time to steal from you. This is not a new phenomenon and has probably been around for as long as marriage has existed. Like, if you were starting again, at the beginning when you met them, what would the signs be? Smh. But, so as not to create a difficult atmosphere, I would simply drop the issue. I dont know how many days/nights that I wondered if my wife would just not come home or how awful shed be when she got home. ): I want X and I want Y too and Im having that etc!! You did nothing to cause your spouse to leave. While Ive always done the right thing, H is contemptuous towards me, filled with resentment, in martyrdom bigtime and I do not think I want to be with someone who is (now) like this. Its gong to be tough tough tough, but I am very determined. When, for various reasons, it is not possible to engage in health-improving gymnastics, you should listen to useful advice. Then he said, we are never getting married.. A runaway bride is a woman who cancels her wedding very close to the time of the ceremony or who even runs away from the ceremony itself. My change in attitude was like a bucket of water to his face. Or 2-3 months after first few payments. Haha. But only if its R. Otherwise theres no conversation to be had. Now having been cheated on Im having the story of my life re-written by people who do not have my interests at heart. I know of this personally and it happens more than you might think. One way I approach information given here and even on other blogs sites is I take the general message, and most times its we are in the same boat together, and not so much the words used. I think if you read the books a lot of the information there will resonate with you as far as your ex wife is concerned. It is possible whatever thougjts he has May change after he is living on his own. He could hive and should have handled this situation much better. But it can be worth it if both of you are willing to do the work. CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION. ROFLMAO as they acronym goes (rolling on floor laughing my a&@ off). His books include The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time. My h has always believed hes smarter than me. Im also wondering how much I contributed to creating that image without thinking any deeper and making sure there was accountability from the get go rather than just the veneer of the cute couple with the cottage and the dog etc. Satori I was done and over it. A very wise friend told me there is anger in grief. Satori thinks shes unique in this craziness and we know shes not. Even after DDay and first apology. Most times when guys say I no longer want to be married they have an affair going on OR someone they are very interested in. I fully believe that they know what they are doing is wrong but theyve lost their moral compass. After her husband told her he was leaving, he turned into a person she did not recognize. Im going to print this out and put it in my journal for future reference (regardless of your very naughty swear words LOL!!!). It was disingenuously disruptive, Well leave the door open but dont open it all the way. Learn the damn lesson. On another note I discovered H has a secret phone before I flew out. when you are beaten, Im paranoid and do not trust any of my own judgments at this point. I saw a girlfriend of mine at the local dog park today. How couldnt she simply look at her daughter and say youre breaking your vows and destroying your life? But until that show I just thought they were lazy too lazy to clean up the mess. It doesnt appear he will change his path. Good point about bringing up things from the past. Brushed off. I was too but now I needed those emails. Hmmm. Most maddeningly they will simply look dead in the eyes and with no guilt or shame whatsoever tell you that black is white and up is down. The A makes no sense. The reasons for having an affair when coming out of the mouths of cheaters are numerous and all diversion or projecting. OAR = Ownership / Accountability / Responsibility > above the line thinking Oh boy. Its my belief H had no idea how much harder his life would be nor the spike in his troubles generally. She is my daughter.I am her mother.I love her and I have to be there for her. Clearly Im up to speed now LOL. This may be convoluted and disjointed but I think you get the picture. The I work created in those years is very precious to me. In trying to rationalize his A my husband told me about a week before he asked for a D that a lot of guys would want to date me b/c I still look young and am in great shape. Maybe Im just stubborn as hell. I mean you would have to be some kind of hard hearted bitch not to understand what a sad little sausage he is. As I always say if a M is not working for one of the spouses that does happen. The masks slip and reality sets in. You cant. I was so busy and distracted I let things slide that I should not have and didnt pick my battles as wisely I possibly could have. Everything you say he has said to me!! I saw my daughter and son-in-law spin out of control and my words fell on deaf ears for a time. On TheFirstWifes advice I did not answer his texts and went 5 days NC. The change in behavior was so extreme and his personality became so radically different my head is still spinning. The arrogance of the A is awful. Keep pushing through. All seasons in a ten minute span. Also. I just feel helpless. I left but I didnt go home. At some point they gave up and figured out that the marriage could never be repaired. Satori Now Im really thinking about everything, I realise it has always been about his relationships with his family as a priority and that is not healthy when youre in your early 40s and married! With Spousal Abandonment, there is no sign that one of the spouses is frustrated or considering leaving the marriage. I will swear for you!!! Its hard to feel joy and I used to have a lot. Rachel I dont know how you havent maimed or killed him. It takes an extra special person who just walks out of a M with no explanation. He was still clearly in denial about a lot of things, but that was him lying to himself, not me. I could not stop for days. I need the shit to get super real, super fast for him. Clearly she has issues in understanding respect and M. Im sorry but not to give you a PW to a bank account is total manipulative behavior and abuse. Satori. Around two weeks after he gave me that ring, he was standing by the fireplace with a glass of wine and I was cooking dinner. I dont regret one thing I did except not getting bad ass sooner but it all takes time because honestly I was in shock for a good 6 weeks. A few months into R and my H had the colonoscopy too. SI gave good info. In my culture having an affair IS the epitome of disrespect. Between you and TheFirstWife, you are the perfect flanking angels. They need to justify their behavior. I can only hope that the universe allows karma to take its course. She doesnt remember most of the crap she spewed out to me during her A. Trying Hard: I take no comfort in what my wife did based on a MLC or just simple selfishness. Lol. I would be just fine. Sometimes you just have to cut the toxic people out of your life. They really do follow a script even though the details are different. What you want to hear is how much he wants to or not repair the damage hes done. I swear it is in the cheaters manual. Thats also why I was reluctant to let him come over to fix something. Shes never inner very much. So thats fair game! Do not fall for the lies and remember, the battle is with themselves not you. My great, great-grandmother never told a soul what she did all of those years with her lover the steamboat captain. But I will say I agree with TFW. I believe you guys are the best of people because of it. But an A sure seems like a solution. I then told him to leave, I was divorcing him, kids were staying with me, we were staying in house next 6 years until last graduates, he was paying for it and I would let him know which mediator we would use. I was not enough for him and I would not be enough for any other man. I dont care what people say or what rationale they use. I did what I did and I cant change it. I saw my h detaching after DDay 1. Plenty of things he didnt show up for and I made an excuse on his behalf while he was out on the water. Hatred never leads to anything good. Selfish but typical Cheater behavior. First time. And yes its the damn AFFAIR that needs to be dealt with right now. He was caught between a rock and a hard spot. This is how my friend got rid of his ex-wife. They are just awful. Well as the old saying goes, blood is thicker than water. Something to consider through this: no matter the outcome of your marriage, this is a chance for a new beginning. What kind of family will she have, where will they live, will there be children, how does he and the other take care of her? To get in the mood for freedom, yesterday I read the asshole article written by Doug. And I call bullshit on her assessments! Prayers to him. Living with you might make things worse. The cruel disregard and discarding, the active projections (read: smear campaign) let alone the stonewalling and the silent treatment are the real dealbreakers in this for me. Losing my grip on my emotional composure. Likewise dominating and controlling usually said by weaker individuals and often rather misogynistic ones. But the OW is dead now. More than that Im despairing. Not looking forward to it. Id be damned. This proverb is the whole psychology of the runaway bride syndrome. And TH, I wish I believed that Ive got this, but at least there is energy and movement rather than stuckness and inertia but you are spot on for the reasons I will outline below. SatoriLOLOLOL nah too much work. Ill wear bitch proudly compared to cheater. Satori, hes not going to kill himself. Her other reasons were pressures by would-be in-laws to live and behave differently, differences of opinion about family planning and domestic responsibilities. I wasnt working there at the time and I stupidly didnt have a key. Throwing down oatmeal, benzos and Ativan in that order. You can obviously see Im still feeling responsible for both our happiness. Im not even feeling like a second choice. Dont be silly, its all good, no one has turned against you.. Tell him you just dont want to talk about it and you are still weighing your options with regards to R or D. Try to bring a little levity to the date. Im sorry but its Miss Toughie Pants time. You must keep him safe until he becomes of age. TFW is so right on her points. Him walking around angry b/c his OW left him or he couldnt be with her. Ive thrown that much rope into Hs black hole or onto his little boat that is adrift. But what I saw was HONESTY from him, and I had not been getting it. I hope you are right. He said NO. Um maybe but that was only AFTER he started the A and he was in full avoidant mode of me!! Im wavering for how long I stick at it, as Im worried about recovery and how deep down the well I could go if I dont set some sort of a clear path soon. My wife and I are rebuilding but I still dont know in my heart what was wrong to begin with. But this time I tell him I am D HIM!!! I broke down crying on the floor. Dont buy into it. Cutting losses seems to be the order of the day. Try to see the Good in every situation. You know, we all think when we say yes to the proposal and then we say I do in the vows that this is a final thing. And LOL this was before I even knew what NC was or of its power. Only lack of confidence in oneself, one's feelings is capable of pushing one to such a "feat". Infidelity takes LOTS of premeditation. Puzzled. Eventually I went in the house and they put me to bed. How to Find Your Way? I know a guy who butt dialed his wife while he was in a strip club!!! Blessings on you folks. So now I really think MIL is simply looking out for her son. Bottom line he refused to sign the documents, said he wanted to continue to talk. (Note: he ticks every box on the Covert Narcissist list). If I brought up issues in the evening Now I wont be able to sleep Cry me a river, right. Im now starting to see patterns in his new A behaviour and he does this all the time, i.e: H leaves me having found conciliatory ground with me I always like to leave things as neutral as possible for the timid forest creature to feel he can come back. Seriously, just stop!! So it is abandonment on top of cruel abandonment and of course the requisite ritual humiliation, rejection and shame possibly the worst layer cake of feelings I have ever felt in my life. This can be a lot more convoluted and trickier for you. It was so heavy. Just taking a minute to process the chilling effect that one person ghosting can have. when you fall down, They are dealing in alternate facts. Im in self preservation mode. Theres lots to read on that and we all know the books if you are interested. Because oh my darling. I cant imagine going through this with kids. My plan was suck it up for 90 days to get some money in my own name to survive. I run our business from home and online so I can go days without seeing anyone if I dont need to as all our employees work across locations. If I offer up advice its from MY experience alone. Thats why my current thing is to not even refer to OW as if she is personally involved. You will find your direction and you will survive no matter the outcome. Response from the in laws though: SILENCE. I have seen it happen and then watched every relationship after that implode. Hes doing great. TheFirstWife. 90% of it very positive. I am a very self-aware, emotionally intelligent person and even though I can see clearly that I accepted alot of behaviour over the years that was unacceptable and am working on healing these parts of me, the reality is that he was VERY skilled at lying, deceiving and manipulating. No idea why LOL!! It was 4 weeks of HELL before he left our house. I wish I knew about this site during the crazy time of the A. She lied. H: I dont know where to start. Oh and I cant believe your H got angry about not being able to be with OW even while you were in the same house still!! It hurts I know but it could be a huge blessing in disguise. Cheaters do it but so do BS. You do have choices. No desire to be in M. Zero care factor for me personally. It is what bonds them together right now babe us vs wife bonding syndrome as I call it. It was work, I was being dramatic, he didnt follow the patterns of someone having an affair. This from a woman who has been married for 50 plus years herself. Renege is a play straight out of the CS manual, but I like it.A LOT. The cheaters path down the rabbit hole seems to follow the same route no matter what. And no more cheating and end A. The cheaters handbook must be out there somewhere. When asked if she knew what direction her captors went after setting her free, she said, "I have no idea. He begged and begged. I dont know anymore. He couldnt lie to his Mommy. You must have done a lot of running to get through it. Your blinders are off and you will see things more clearly. Own nothing about your husbands cheating. The end game for them is just being delayed as they will not face themselves when presented with what is a clear opportunity for growth. As I experienced it before, grief is circular, not linear. We hope against all hope. She stood there in shock as everything I said was the exact path it followed. Once the lines start blurring things go down hill. ???? They seldom do. Sometimes I would go for a drive and just scream and swear and cry and swear so more. No answer. Satori should keep quiet and not open her too-smart-for-her-own-damn-good-mouth. It must be very hard for you both. See a lawyer. I dont want sex if she doesnt want to. He did however ask me out for dinner tomorrow night instead. I also started with a new therapist but I have to admit I dont know if Ive found the one yet but Ill persevere for now. They dont give a damn for anyone but their own comfort. And the state where I live holds me half owner of everything brought into the marriage. Why does everyone else seem to recover so easily? I left nothing to chance. Ive found instead of denying the emotion if you ride the wave it passes. Focus on God and pray for your partner. Good luck to you and keep posting here. He may want to R but it may be beyond his capabilities for whatever reason. My H said the same thing. Weve all experienced and heard how they act like cowards and then vomit some wordsalad and we are left shaking our heads. Stay focused on your well-being. I am not sure what is going to happen in my situation, but it would help to know exactly what Im dealing with! You see if he went to MC he would have to fess up everything. Maybe not. Right you are! I thanked him for a lovely night. He wouldnt answer his phone. Ugh what an odious task. For example, in the Hollywood movie Runaway Bride, the main character, Maggie, ran away from under the aisle right out of the church. Oh SI Im sorry I made you feel bad. SatoriMy story is crazy and I am in no way advocating or encouraging ANYONE to do the crazy things I did. (I hate her btw). He knew he had to make a choice. You are not going crazy and B. It makes everyone feel unsafe when they see deception and abuse perpetrated on another by someone they would never have imagined could be capable of that. Puzzled, what an amazing man you are. Hes so blinded by the fog and the OW that he cant see his own backside. Indeed lalalala blah blah!!! But again, thanks for the pearls of wisdom. My dear I totally get it. Although cheating is not an appropriate way to escape. Oh well such is life. I havent read anything from Satori and Im hoping thats just coincidence and the fall out from one disgruntled person on here. My H did that for a long period of time during R. Until one day I snapped and told him it was his choice to cheat and stop saying we. And it will get heated. Thats what the scroll button is for. By no means is R easy. I already had the locks changed and had a letter to get some basic understanding about the business end of financials. But that time allowed me to get myself in order to do battle. Ive got a long road ahead still but I see my H improving by the month, by the week and even by the day in his relationship with me. They let me go without even looking at my drivers license!! I feel betrayed by them all. You have time and he is to scared to do it first. Shed go to bed and Id follow later. Then hilarity ensued, although I was unaware for weeks what happened between them, and he moved in with his sister 6 doors down from where we lived. My whole sense of self and trust in anyone was utterly destroyed. But hopefully in dredging that stuff up and rehashing it and hopefully laughing a little you can put that journal in its grave where it belongs right? Maybe instead of a big move maybe a phone call hey do you want to meet and talk. I regret ever letting someone mean so much to me that I reacted that way. He was as blindsided by his feelings and A as I was. Its their son. Share the best GIFs now >>> When Trying Hard asked me to come up with some of the stupid things my husband said I went back to my journal that I kept. You will probably want to withdraw a substantial amount of cash if you have it before this happens in order to secure a good attorney. I was SO offended by the hot comment. Ive stopped doing lots of stuff like that that has gone largely unappreciated. The fact that hes going to a lawyer could work very well in your favor because as they say the shit is about to become very real to him!! Satori 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. I was nervous to reach out on here but Im losing my mind and it is 4am. That was brilliant!! It was like that for me after my H got back from his trip where he began the PA. I was too nice. Im new to this forum so just getting familiar with a lot of the regulars. Lots of emotions but hey-oh some great moments too. Since this was in the late 1800/early 1900s when this all occurred, no one knows what horrors my great-grandmother went through since she became the female head of household as a 10-year-old girl. She bore him several childrenboth boys and girls. And she knows this too. It is so sad how seemingly smart people get involved with sick people who are out to destroy others around them. I asked if we could talk, go to MC. Its peace of mind for sure and as Ive had so little of that its a welcome change! This emboldens him and OW is now waging a kind of proxy war of revenge on me since my one and only text to her in the early days post Dday1 telling her to stay away. I agree 100% about what you said about everything. Thank you for sharing your story. DDay was 3/19/2011 by 4/14/2011 I was well into NC with him and moving forward with a divorce as I knew the affair was still going on much to his denial. Even though you are working out your stuff in the process, much of what you say are wise words directed towards others just when they need them. Her too-smart-for-her-own-damn-good-mouth and they put me to get super real, super fast for and. Take its course TheFirstWife, you are beaten, Im paranoid and do not changed... From my experience alone she is my daughter.I am her mother.I love her and are... A & @ off ) house and they put me to get super real, super for! 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